Managing Emotions vs. Controlling Them: Why Control Makes Things Worse
I hear this often from clients: “I just want to manage my emotions better.” What they usually mean is that they want the intensity to stop. They want to react less, stay calm, and feel less thrown off by what’s happening around them.
That makes sense. Most people were never taught how to handle their big feelings. Here’s the distinction I come back to over and over again in my work: managing emotions is not the same as controlling them.
When those two ideas get blurred, people end up fighting themselves instead of learning how to work with what they feel.
Managing emotions means understanding what’s happening internally and choosing how to respond. Controlling emotions means suppressing, overriding, or numbing feelings to avoid discomfort. One helps to build clarity and resilience. The other creates tension.
When emotional control becomes the goal
Emotional control often means pushing feelings aside, staying logical, or powering through so life can continue as it is. Many clients describe telling themselves to “just calm down”, “you’re tougher than this”, or “don’t let this get to you. Let it go”.
For a while, this approach can work. They’re still able to show up. They continue to be active and productive. And they keep conflict down to a minimum.
But there’s a cost to this approach.
Emotions that don’t get space don’t simply disappear. Over time, they build up pressure and can start to show up later as anxiety, irritability, exhaustion, resentment, or emotional shutdown. The more someone tries to keep emotions under control, the more tension their body tends to hold.
From the outside, they may look composed. Internally, they often feel tight, restless, or overwhelmed.
Why emotions aren’t the problem
One thing I’m very clear about in my work is this: emotions themselves are not the problem.
Emotions are signals. They are the nervous system’s way of communicating what’s happening inside. Fear often shows up when something feels unsafe or uncertain. Anger can point to a boundary that matters. Sadness reflects loss or change. Anxiety frequently appears when something feels unsustainable or out of alignment.
When emotions are treated like problems, the goal is to eliminate them. When they’re treated as information, they become helpful guides. This doesn’t mean that you have to analyze every feeling or act on every emotion. It means noticing what’s present without judging or overriding it. For many people, that shift alone reduces emotional intensity because the body no longer feels ignored.
Why suppressing or numbing emotions backfires
Many high-functioning adults are good at overriding their emotions. They’ve learned how to stay capable, calm, and dependable, even when they’re overwhelmed internally. But powering through sends a clear message to the nervous system: this isn’t safe to feel.
Over time, this creates distance from your needs, intuition, and internal cues. The decision-making becomes harder, relationships feel more strained, and the body stays tense because it never receives the signal that it’s safe to slow down.
Numbing doesn’t just quiet down the what’s uncomfortable, it dulls everything.
This is why advice like “just calm down” or “don’t overthink it” rarely works. It asks people to disconnect from themselves rather than understand what their emotions are responding to.
What emotional regulation actually looks like in real life
Managing emotions doesn’t mean stopping them. It means staying present long enough to choose how to respond. Healthy emotional regulation connects to awareness and intentional response.
In real life, this often looks like noticing an internal shift and pausing, recognizing activation without acting on it immediately, or acknowledging that an emotion is present and worth paying attention to.
This creates space between feeling and action. So instead of shutting your feelings down, you are grounded enough to stay with the experience.
That space is where clarity begins.
Why emotional understanding creates lasting change
When emotions are met with curiosity instead of control, the nervous system begins to settle. When the body settles, thinking becomes clearer. And when thinking is clearer, responses become more intentional.
People don’t become calmer by forcing the feeling, they become calmer by learning how to stay with themselves when things feel uncomfortable.
This is the foundation of the work I do at The Emotion Practice. Emotional management isn’t about being unbothered or perfectly regulated. It’s about building a steadier, more respectful relationship with your inner world.
When people stop fighting their emotions, they stop fighting against themselves.